11 February 2007
SINGLENESS OR MARRIAGE
David J. Brown

ILLUSTRATION: Men and Women Don't Say
Some things you'll never hear a woman say
- What do you mean today's our anniversary?
- Can we simply not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
- Oh, this diamond is way too big!
- Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
- I don't care if it is on sale, 1200 rands is too much for a designer dress.

Even more things a man probably wouldn't say:
- While I'm up, can I get you anything?
- Honey Bunny, since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the home decorating store with me?
- Here honey, you use the remote.
- Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
- We never talk anymore.
Over the next few weeks, we are going to be talking about singleness, marriage and divorce - the interplay between men and women. But first, let's pray and then review a few things … PRAYER

Paul's letter to the Corinthians has a couple of parts.

• The first part (chapters 1-6) was dealing with problems he had heard about from the leaders in the congregation who were visiting him - pride, divisions, campishness, suing each other, tolerating immorality in the congregation, etc.
• The second part (chapters 7-14) addresses questions from the church that they had sent in a letter.
• Let me set things up for you. I wrote a hypothetical letter like the one they may have written to Paul - fake names.

  ---

  Dear Paul,

  Greetings to you in the name of God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. We have some questions for you regarding various topics, and we hope you will write back when you can and send the letter with Stephanas. The first issue is marriage. As you may remember, the believers here have various kinds of marriages under Greek law. Some slaves in our congregation are in "tent companionships," married only so long as their masters allow them to be. Some of us are considered married under Roman common law because we lived together for more than a year. Some of our men actually bought their wives, some have more than one wife. The wealthier and those among us who are of nobility were married in a proper ceremony with attendants, a ring, vows, and a wedding cake, but those are few. Most of our adults have been divorced more than 5 times, some as much as 15 times. We know this is a mess, but hey, this is Corinth!

  Many of our men were inspired by your life and ministry as an evangelist and church-planter, and they want to learn the Word of God, leave their careers, and take the gospel on the road as you and Silas and Timothy have. They think it would be best to be single, like you are, so that they would be free to travel. They are also wondering whether the current persecution will force us to flee the city, in which case being single would be easier. Some of our young men believe that it is best not to marry; about 14 of them have vowed that they will never marry so that they can devote themselves entirely to God's work. We wonder if they will be able to discipline themselves morally since many of our young men, like Janus and Adronicus, were sexually very active before committing their lives to Jesus Christ. What do you think?

  Even some of our married men think that this celibacy is a good idea! Philo, Erasmus, and Oniphorus have pledged never to have sex with their wives again so that they can be fully devoted to Christ. Is this OK? Do you remember Marcus, Pletonius, Euphorus, and Hermetus whose unbelieving wives were such demons toward them when they trusted in Jesus? Well, they have all divorced their wives now so that they can have a happy home and give themselves to ministry. Two of our business ladies, Junia and Lydia, are likewise thinking of leaving and divorcing their husbands who have refused to believe in Christ. Is all of this OK? Please let us know.

  Some of our fathers have also seen the value of staying single and have refused to give their virgin daughters away to their fiancés, and this has caused quite a stir. They insist that their daughters are sinning by wanting to marry, saying that they just want to indulge their flesh rather than be devoted to God. The young ladies are very despondent. Have any input on this?

Text: 1 Corinthians 7:1-9

• SINGLENESS FOR SINGLE-MINDED SERVICE
  "It is good for a man not to touch a woman." The words "touch" and "know" were colloquial expressions in the Jewish culture for sexual intimacy - Proverbs 6:29 - "So is he who goes in to his neighbor's wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent." In our modern culture, we use "slept together."
• Most commentators feel that Paul is talking about intimacy but go a step further and say he is actually saying that it is good for a man not to get involved with and marry a woman - see NIV
• Paul knew Genesis 2:18 - "It is not good for man to be alone, I will make a helper suitable for him."
• But Paul still felt that for the sake of the gospel, Christians needed to move quickly and get the gospel out. Paul was more of a choleric, a strong, task-oriented person who was driven to get the gospel out to the ends of the Roman Empire. Further, v. 26 mentions the current distress or crisis - persecution was forcing people to flee, made much harder by having a family.
• Verse 2-6 are parenthetical for married people
• VV. 7-9 I wish that all men were single like me
  • Singleness is a good thing for devotion to the Lord and his work - see vv. 32-35
  • Singleness for the sake of ministry requires a spiritual gift. Same word "gift" as for spiritual gifts. To remain single for life, to be able to control romantic desires and passions over the long term, and to handle being alone, takes a work of the Spirit of God to bring comfort and self-control.
  • Illustration: Jim and Elizabeth Elliott - getting married?
  • Illustration: Question for Myles - single guy, with a girlfriend, prospective missionary aviation pilot: "Could you make it on your own as a single person over the long haul, or would you end up in trouble?"
  • So, singleness is wonderful if you are called by the Lord to ministry and gifted that way. Some are single because they are selfish, or for selfishness reasons - I don't want anyone telling me what to do, questioning the number of jeans or shoes I buy, noticing extra pounds, making me report where I am all the time.
  • The main reason to marry is because the two of you can serve the Lord better together than you could alone.
    

INTIMACY TO INSULATE FROM IMMORALITY
Sinful human nature will put things in reverse - Things allowed are boring; thing prohibited are fun

• Illustration: driving the car on Robin Lake Drive
• Sex outside of marriage is fun; sex inside marriage boring - or it can be used as a weapon

Rules for Men and Women (v. 2)

• Notice the singular - monogamy;
• Notice that women have equal temptation and solution as men;
• Sexual immoralities - actually plural in the Greek.
• He is saying that sexual drives are strong, but a good Christian marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder and confusion.
  

Serving Each Other (v. 3)

• Each is to render or give the affection, kindness, benevolence due to her. Paul is amazingly candid for a single guy, but he is refined here, not vulgar.
• "Due" means entitled to by virtue of position - not the affection she deserves. Marriage is not a 50/50 proposition. It is a 100/100 proposition. No "meet me in the middle"
• The marriage bed is a place of mutuality; each spouse should be seeking to satisfy the other, not as the world teaches - what did I get out of this? Men are you having intimacy to give to your wife, not to satisfy yourself. That's the problem with the sex industry: it teaches you that a woman's body is separate from the person, and that it's all gratifying yourself.
  

Your Body Is Not Your Own (v. 4)

• The word authority is a term for government
• When you married, you gave away the title deed to your body to your spouse.
• This means that when I'm tired, worn out, and stressed, my body is still available
• This means that I will not use frigidity as a weapon - if that's the way he's going to be, then … or she's been so difficult for so long, I have no sexual fire for her
• Marriage is not a place to stand up for your rights. Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.
  

Rules for Avoiding Intimacy (v. 5)

• Only stop your intimacy when you're made a plan together for spiritual reasons. Fasting (not mentioned in newer versions) from food shows God your commitment and seriousness in praying about a matter - you are willing to deny yourself the pleasures of food.
• Time element - basically, you stop having sex for as long as you're prepared to stop eating - when you're praying and fasting
• The principle is that you need to agree. Marriage counselors who ask couples how often they are together find that number a woman gives is higher than her husband gives. Depending on the couple, a good average for men in the West is having relations about 2-3 times per week, but most men have relations on average 1 time per week or less. The number of affairs in South African culture is higher than most - 2004, Sandton couples 70% cheated.
• You need to agree, but try to push higher. Satan (by extraction demons) will tempt believers when their loving cup is not full. Illustration: Satanist praying for Satan to destroy pastors' marriages!
  

Practical hints:

• Stay attractive for your spouse - weight, skin, clothes - still hunting for him or her? Illustration - Christian lady whose husband sued for divorce, broken-hearted with three girls, middle-aged, a little heavy - compared with three months later before a hearing where she looked gorgeous and had started dating another guy … while still married.
• Vary your intimacy routine
• Show mild affection in front of young people and younger couples - Illustration: Halley with Gavin at volleyball
• Show affection in front of your kids - Illustration: Lynches, a godly Christian couple, wrestling on the floor
• Praise your spouse in a group (never challenge, correct or criticize)
• Go out on a date once a week or every other week - just the two of you - average couple spends 37 minutes a week with each other
• Go on a get-away once a year - just the two of you
• Pretend you're having an affair - show up separately, sit at different tables …
• Do the candlelight thing at home
• Write each other love letters instead of cards