23 September 2007
My First Disciples, Part 5
Biblical Principles For Growing Kids God's Way
David J. Brown

ILLUSTRATION: THE TRAINING OF TOLKIEN

TRAINING TO THE STANDARD
The issue is: Who will rule the child? The child, who has no wisdom, self-control or concern for others, or the parent?

A child wants to rule himself, his parents and his world.
" Ephesians 6:1: "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honour your father and mother . . ."
" I Samuel 15:22, 23: Incomplete obedience is self-rule.

The goal is NOT obedient children - the goal is to create adults who will be ruled internally by moral principles, by God's Word and by the Holy Spirit.

PRINCIPLES OF OBEDIENCE
1. Children are commanded to obey, but they will not naturally do this - They need training (repetition of instruction and correction) - 2 Timothy 3:16-17

2. The Goal is adults who will be ruled internally by moral principles, by God's Word, and by the Holy Spirit. The goal is NOT obedient children - those who succumb to outside force

3. Require Perfect Compliance: When you speak to your child in a way that requires an answer or action, expect an immediate and complete response, without challenge or complaint.
"It's time to go. Come get in the car."
"Come to the table." "Get in bed."

4. You CAN Train Your Child to Disobey: Most parents condition their child not to obey their first instruction because they know something else will follow before chastisement.

• Threatening: "If you don't stop, mommy will …"
  Problem: Obey out of fear of consequences
  A threat is a promise - at least keep it!
• Delaying Correction:
  Repeating - "What did I say? Now stop."
  Crescendo - "Obey when dad reaches a certain volume"
  Counting to five - "Number 5 means obey"
• Bribing:
  Obey when the price is right
  Key: Feel free to reward a child, but don't mention rewards before obedience
• Being Over-Compassion:
  Indulgence is not love
  A child's mastery over his own impulses is a foundation for happiness - thus, he who spares the rod hates his son (Proverbs 13:24)
  Accepting a child's substitute obedience will teach willfulness (God took away Saul's kingdom for this)

5. Think Before You Speak: Never give a command unless you expect it to be obeyed
" The burden of communication is on the communicator
" Be clear and simple
" Get their attention and get a response
- Confirms that they heard you
- Confirms their attitude about obeying
- Conveys respect

6. Use the Five-Minute Warning: Provide a warning to avoid the "shock factor"
" Ephesians 6:4 - Do not provoke to wrath
" Interrupting TV or play suddenly by calling them away is upsetting
" Give them notice of an approaching command if a child is involved with something

7. Treat Disobedience as Sin
" It is easier to ignore disobedience and avoid conflict than to deal with it; just remember the consequences
" Disobeying parents is disobeying God (unless parents tell you to do evil)
" If we do not correct our children, our Father must correct us
" Be sure to understand the difference between:
" Rebellion - doing what you're told not to do
" Obstinance - not doing what you're told to do
" Childishness - not evil or foolishness; clumsiness, poor judgment, lack of caution

8. Stand your ground at the big showdowns
" Typically, they will come between 12 and 30 months
" They tend to happen after a new ability has been achieved
" There will be overt obstinance or rebellion such that you know they are challenging you to a duel

9. If you decide that, when you speak to your child in a way that requires an answer or action, you will expect an immediate and complete response, without challenge or complaint, you need to let them know in a family meeting
" Apologise for the past
" Warn that the future won't be perfect

HOW ABOUT YOU?
o How do you respond to your Heavenly Father?
o What is your level of rebellion (doing what you're commanded not to do) or obstinance (not doing what you're commanded to do)?
o How do you respond when God asks you to do something uncomfortable or against your desires?
o Do you even think that your "hard times" might be His chastisement?
Parents
o Do you children obey immediately and completely without challenge or complaint?
o Are you conditioning your children not to obey by using threats, repeating, delaying action, or bribing?
o Do you dismiss your permissiveness as compassion?
o Do you think before giving a command that you want done? Communicate clearly?
o Do you view disobedience as a sin?
o Are you exasperating your children by suddenly pulling them away from an activity?
o Are you ready for the "show-downs" with your little ones?