14 October 2007
My First Disciples, Part 7
Biblical Principles For Growing Kids God's Way
David J. Brown

Things We Learn From Our Children

• There is no such thing as child-proofing your house
• A 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant
• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 20 kilogram boy wearing a superman cape
• It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 4 meter by 4 meter room
• Cricket balls make marks on ceilings
• You should not throw cricket balls up when the ceiling fan is on
• When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit
• A ceiling fan on “high” can hit a cricket ball a long way
• The glass in windows doesn't stop a cricket ball hit by a ceiling fan
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh-oh," it's already too late
• A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do that in the movies
• Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old
• Duplos will not
• Stunt men can teach us many things we don't want to know
• Ditto Braveheart
• Garbage bags do not make good parachutes
• Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy
• It will, however, make cats dizzy
• Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
  

Quick Review

• Principle 1 - Start early - character and learning ability is determined by age 3, personality by age 5
• Principle 2 - Love your mate – security, harmony, and identity are found in dad-mom as the first image of God and the center of the family
• Principle 3 - It’s About Nurturing - kids need time, gentleness, firmness, and comfort by parents with integrity and consistency
• Principle 4 - The greatest command: love - kids need to be trained in valuing and serving God and others above themselves
• Principle 5 - The meaning of obey - sensitively require immediate and complete obedience, without challenge or complaint
• Principle 6 - Discipline properly - discipleship is both positive (instruction, coaching, etc.) and negative (rebuke, consequences, isolation, and chastisement)

Principle 7 - Chastise With Love

Warning! The new Children’s Act is coming out of a portfolio research committee this week. According to the draft bill, it will be unlawful for parents to use any corporal punishment to discipline children. A parent, teacher, etc., who is reported will be referred to an early intervention service. Prosecution may be instituted if the punishment constitutes abuse of the child.

The NPA says that unless Clause 139 of the Children's Act is changed, "any minor smack on the buttocks or rap over the knuckles" would be illegal – R300 fine. A decision on whether sufficient pain has been inflicted for the complaint to qualify would not lie with the NPA. The Act stipulates that each smack or clip is an offence and should be treated as such. The new law stipulates that absolutely no form of corporal punishment is legal. The law only makes provision for training in alternative disciplinary methods

Proverbs strongly advises use of the rod (spanking), but God’s Law and the New Testament do not command it. Christians need to abide by the new law, or be prepared to accept the consequences without objection.

Definitions:

• Chastisement – to inflict pain with controlled force on an individual to amend future behavior and attitudes, and to remove past guilt
• Young child – a person with human rights, loved by God and guarded by angels, who has no awakened conscience and no language ability
  

What Does God Say?
Hebrews 12:5-6 – “My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him; for whom the Lord loves He chastens, and scourges every son whom He receives.”
God “chastens” those whom He loves
Chastisement is like pruning – gets rid of old dead stuff so that good fruit can come

Proverbs 13:24 – “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly.”
Failing to spank is contempt for a child
Rod = a branch or offshoot (a switch); something that causes sting without injury
Notice, it’s not your hand, which should be an instrument of love

Proverbs 22:15 – “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction will drive it far from him.”
Foolishness (rebellion, obstinance, hurting people and things in the name of fun) is removed by spanking

Proverbs 23:13-14 – “Do not hold back discipline from the child. If you strike him with the rod, he will not die. You shall strike him with the rod and rescue his soul from hell.”
Spanking helps to deliver a child’s soul from hell – breaking his will to admit he is wrong
PSIs – Criminals were either beaten or had no discipline growing up

Proverbs 29:15 – “The rod and rebuke give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.”
Spanking helps to instill wisdom
Neglecting the discipline of a child will make them unruly and wild

When Do We Begin? (Reviewing Principle 1)

• Proverbs 13:24 – early
• Proverbs 19:18 – while there is hope
• Ezzo – 80% of all spanking between 14 months and 40 months
• White – 8 months to 3 years
• Dobson – when they learn to walk, or age 1
• Stormer – swat at 8 mths; spanking at 1 yr
• Locke – before children can remember
  

Progression Over Time

• Ages 3-12 months: Let the child “cry it out” before sleeping; check every 20 minutes for his comfort and safety
• Age 8 months+: “With each new skill comes new self-will.” Spank a child’s hand in yours, or the upper thigh
  • Skills of mobility (crawl, stand, walk)
  • Skills of dexterity (opening bottles, drawers, flushing toilets, throwing food)
• The Big Stand-Off! Usually, there are one or two big stand-offs before age 2 where the child fights your instruction, even with spanking, for a long time. You must win these!
• Ages 2-8: Privately and after discussing the offense, use a flexible instrument on the buttocks (sting)
  

Discipline With A Goal In Mind

• The goal is never self-satisfaction! A parent’s anger or embarrassment is dangerous territory! Child-abuse is always selfish and dead wrong!
  
• Locke – “Discipline should take place after the parent’s anger but before the child forgets the importance of his offense.”
  
• Moderate anger can be directed at the offense – no animosity after chastisement
  
• The goal is brokenness of the will
  
• You must watch the child’s response to spanking. No crying? Angry crying? Pulling away? Soft cry and holding on?
  Isaiah 66:2 – “I will look with favour on him who is of a poor and contrite spirit, and who trembles at My Word.”
  Isaiah 57:15 – “I dwell with him who has a humble and contrite spirit.”
  
• Brokenness brings yieldedness from the heart towards authority – parents, teachers, employers, police, conscience
  
• Locke – “The end of discipline, and the great foundation of virtue is that a man is able to deny himself and his own desires, cross his inclinations, and purely follow what faith and reason dictate is best, though his appetites lean the other way.”
  

The Process Of Chastisement

• For ages 1-8
• Require first time obedience; don’t be a threatening and repeating parent; be consistent
• Spanking may be necessary for rebellious or obstinate actions or attitudes with the goal of correcting future behavior
• Spanking is not for childishness – poor judgment, clumsiness, weakness
  

Before:

• Spanking should be done soon after the offense. NOT “wait until your father gets home!” Otherwise, they carry both guilt and the fear of future trauma
• Take the child to a private place (even if you have to leave the store, gathering)
• Notice that psychological trauma (waiting or public humiliation) is never part of productive discipline (it provokes wrath)

During:

• Make sure the child knows why spanking is necessary. You can ask him what the offense was (confession is good, and sometimes they don’t know) but don’t ask him why he did it
• Mention the future – this will help him remember to be a good boy in the future
• The parent’s temper must be controlled (discussion helps)
  Administer chastisement proportionate to the offense and fitting for the child’s age
  • Ages 1: three or less swats
  • Ages 2 and up: three to five swats
• Use an instrument that causes stings, not blows (don’t pick up without using)
• Look for a contrite and repentant heart; a cry is different from a scream or growl; more may be necessary
• Do not use the terms “bad boy” or “bad girl” – branding reinforces bad behaviour
• It’s ok to cry with/for the child
• Make it clear that mommy has to obey God (or we get a spanking)
• At times, children prefer spanking to alternate punishments
• At times, you may teach a “mercy lesson”
  

After:

• Afterward: Hold him until calm; encourage him about his future actions; affirm your love for him; pray with him if you feel it is appropriate
• The chastisement is the correction; don’t isolate the child or keep a stern attitude toward him afterward; the guilt is gone with the spanking
• Let him come out when he is ready – don’t force him into public light
• Accept his search for affirmation from you – God doesn’t hold a grudge
• He should seek forgiveness when appropriate
• Get him busy

Proper chastisement builds security – “someone loves me enough to care”
The wrong use of chastisement causes most children to grow up as violent people who scorn authority

The wrong use of chastisement is criminal!!!